Ahhhhhhhh!

Did I mention I've been under the weather the past few days?

The male gender is in danger, with incalculable consequences for both humans and wildlife, startling scientific research from around the world reveals.

The research – to be detailed tomorrow in the most comprehensive report yet published – shows that a host of common chemicals is feminising males of every class of vertebrate animals, from fish to mammals, including people.

Apparently these chemicals are also damaging my genitals!

Research at the University of Florida earlier this year found that 40 per cent of the male cane toads – a species so indestructible that it has become a plague in Australia – had become hermaphrodites in a heavily farmed part of the state, with another 20 per cent undergoing lesser feminisation. A similar link between farming and sex changes in northern leopard frogs has been revealed by Canadian research, adding to suspicions that pesticides may be to blame.

God help me if I have more in common with the cane toad and northern leopard frog than I think!

At the other end of the world, hermaphrodite polar bears – with penises and vaginas – have been discovered and gender-benders have been found to reduce sperm counts and penis lengths in those that remained male.

Wait a tic--what was it John saw in Revelation?

And when he had opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth beast say, Come and see. And I looked, and behold a pale hermaphroditic bear: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him.

We are doomed. No man-made army can stop the end of times--we haven't the reinforcements:

And sperm counts [for men] are dropping precipitously. Studies in more than 20 countries have shown that they have dropped from 150 million per millilitre of sperm fluid to 60 million over 50 years. (Hamsters produce nearly three times as much, at 160 million.)

These giant mutant hamsters will mock our lack of virility as they stuff us into their chubby cheeks for to sup on us at their leisure.  We must beat a hasty retreat to the dark jungles of the Amazon, and entreat the woman warriors for protection. It is our only hope.