Walker, Texas Banker

Today Felix Salmon highlighted some Chuck Norris facts pertaining to his experience in banking:

# Little-known Chuck Norris Fact: Chuck Norris does not mark to market. The market marks to Chuck.

# More: Chuck Norris does not go bankrupt. Chuck Norris ruptures banks.

# Source of hedge fund survivorship bias?: Funds that pay Chuck Norris 2 and 20 survive; others don’t.

# Private equity: Chuck Norris does not believe in leverage. Chuck Norris believes in crowbars.

# Investment banking: No-one defers Chuck Norris’s compensation.

# Capital structure: No-one subordinates Chuck Norris. All his equity is preferred.

# If Chuck Norris devised the bank stress tests, not even the Treasury Department would survive.

Felix then invited readers to submit their own in the comments, so I gave it a shot and came up with these:

  • Chuck Norris’ tears would solve all the banks’ liquidity problems. Too bad he’s never cried. Ever.
  • Chuck Norris is too big to fail.
  • Some think deposit insurance is what prevents a run on the bank. It’s not–it’s the fear that Chuck Norris is lurking in the vault.
  • Basel rules stipulate that if Chuck Norris is within 100 feet of a bank, he can be counted as Tier 1 capital.
  • The risk-free rate is not computed using US treasuries, but the length of time it takes Chuck Norris to complete a roundhouse.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t target interest rates, he pummels them into submission.
  • Whenever Chuck Norris visits a country, yields on that government's debt fall 150 basis points.
  • Only Chuck Norris can issue secured debt. The rest is at his mercy.
  • Beta is just a measure of Chuck Norris’ mood.

They are admittedly geeky, but they were funny enough to get a shout-out by Felix. My 15-minute joy was tempered, however, when a banking friend forwarded along this article from September 2007:

A famous series of jokes uses the actor Chuck Norris, martial artist and star of ``Walker, Texas Ranger,'' as a paragon of masculinity and omnipotence. ..

Similar thinking can be applied to the current state of financial markets. Here, then, is the world of money recast in Chuck Norris terms.

Chuck Norris doesn't target inflation. He roundhouse-kicks it until it begs for mercy.

(...)

The tears of Chuck Norris would supply enough liquidity to solve the credit crisis. Too bad he never cries.

I'm pretty sure I never saw this article before, so I plead innocent to plagiarism. The real sting comes from realizing that my humor wasn't quite as original as I thought it was. Of further humiliation is that the tears I'm crying now are good for nothing. *Sniff*.